Your dad touched me again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
