I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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