paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
