I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
