Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize