K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
