Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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