Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
