And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
