At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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