i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
