Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
