Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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