i used baking grease as lip gloss
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
