But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
