i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
