I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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