I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
