so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
