I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
