Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
