Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
