just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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