He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
