Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
