I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize