Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
