i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hippo gnu deer
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
