Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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