I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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