I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
