I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
