genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
