I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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