I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
