Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
