he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
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