we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
