I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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