I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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