Michael Bay diarrhea
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
