he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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