I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
