life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
