New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize