I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
