the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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