Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
