Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
