Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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