I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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