I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
