You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
