I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize