Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Fuck appropriateness.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
