You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
this must be what syphilis tastes like
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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