Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
what day is it and did you see me today?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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