I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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