I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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