i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
