Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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