we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
