She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
