Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
