He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
