dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Too much gin, very little bucket
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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