We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
