Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
